For Immediate Release
HIGHWAYMEN TAKE LARGE DUMP ON FIELD
August 31, 2010 (Yellowhead, SK) After spending the Bye Week studying their own flaws whilst consuming buckets of KFC, Highwaymen players and coaches stumbled upon a bold new strategy in preparation for last weekend’s game. “We shit ourselves,” began Highwaymen owner/coach, Captain Jarrett Rusnak. “We all shit our pants right on the field. We shit ourselves over and over again. It was a sea of shit out there.”
Indeed the strategy seemed to work in the first quarter as the team jumped to a 14-0 lead over defending champs, CK Barnagel. Highwaymen players were repeatedly observed defecating in their pants and then promptly hugging their Barnagel opposition upon the conclusion of plays.
“They didn’t want nothin’ to do with us,” said Buck Duke, Yellowhead’s starting left guard. “Between plays we’d help their guys off the ground and hug them as a show of good sportsmanship. Of course, after a few plays they didn’t want us touching them. They didn’t even want to hit us during plays, cuz one time one of their guys hit our Centre low and wound up with umm…. splatter in his eyes.”
Over the final three quarters however, CK Barnagel got a whiff of what Yellowhead was up to. They made critical adjustments, consuming cases of Ex-Lax. “I think they ate really spicy Indian food for lunch,” said Rusnak, “or perhaps it was already shit when they ate it, cuz they were brewing up something aweful, and we just didn’t have an answer.”
In the end, CK Barnagel prevailed, 17-14. While lamenting the loss, Rusnak went on to mention that the stadium clean-up will take several weeks. “There’s so much manure laying around, our artificial turf went and sprouted new silicone.”