I haven’t had very much to say lately, hence the long passage of writing between posts. I’ve been doing things. Interviewed Miss Teen Canada last week. Hung out with Shawn, Ron, Brad and the others. Caught up with a couple of old friends. Took in mom’s birthday and saw family I hadn’t seen in a while. I watched a movie in the park with Jazzy and her friend Kayla. Lots of really good things.
Still, my headspace hasn’t been all that positive lately. Career stuff on my mind. I’m not one to bother God or the universe with personal requests, but then I got to thinking about the words of others. If you don’t ask, you won’t receive.
So I closed my eyes and I thought about what I wanted. Tried to be specific because that was part of the words those others were on about. I asked for my spec script to be picked up, or at least lead to a writing position on a team somewhere. I asked for a green light for ‘Highwaymen’. I asked for a green light for ‘Crimes of the Art’ and ‘Urban Future’ and ‘momMe’. I was about to ask for some movement on my feature film script, then I stopped myself.
That’s a lot of asks. I felt greedy. I felt almost ashamed. People everywhere have much bigger problems than me. Mine are mostly ego related. I need a project green lit to feel complete.
I always feel like I can be doing more to realize my goals, but I’m my own worst enemy. I learn of an opportunity, or send out a proposal and I cringe because I didn’t think of it sooner. I’ve been developing and developing and developing and writing about developing projects for two years now. I’ve learned a lot. Seen a lot. Done a lot.
No green light.
I’m beginning to question my choices. It’s an uncomfortable place to be. People from across the industry are looking at my stuff and saying glowing things about my work. It keeps me hanging in there. It motivates me to stay the course.
I choose to take an optimistic point of view. I just hope I’m not being delusional.