Not Thinking About What I’m Thinking About

I have been keeping busy with meetings and the logistics of planning a shoot for tomorrow. The meetings have gone great, and the logistics, despite the expected fires flaring up, have fallen into place.

In the meantime, there have been countless phone calls, emails, and messages from friends and family offering their condolences. The attention is bittersweet. It’s nice to be loved, and I have felt a need to reach out, but there’s something about talking about the same emotional thing, over and over again, that has me feeling kind of numb to it all.

Since he and Kathy moved to Strasbourg, I would see Dad infrequently at the best of times. We’d speak to each other on the phone every other month. Our relationship never felt distant, just ‘on hold’ until such time that we could see each other again.

They should make a Hallmark Card for that.

“Thinking of you, infrequently… until such time that we stumble into seeing each other again.”

Dad is gone now, but it doesn’t ‘feel’ any different from how things were before – except for the knowledge that there won’t be a next time – which has been cause to remember everything we’ll never get to talk about or do together.

People are coming over tonight and then I have the shoot tomorrow. I don’t quite know how to feel or express myself about that other stuff. I’m sure it will wash over me once a few weeks have passed.