A Time for Me, Myself, and I

So here’s how it is…

I used to race to my laptop and tap out the latest most trivial drivel from my day’s events, in an effort to make sense of it all – and possibly make myself appear interesting in the process. And to take the exercise a bit further down the line, it is a worthwhile effort, trying to make something out of nothing, as not every day in one’s daily life, can fireworks be found. Still, there were more than a handful of occasions where I lacked judgement, causing complications for my personal life.

Over time, I have become less eager to tell the world about myself. I’m no longer interested in appearing to be interesting. But I do possess a desire to preserve my personal history. I look back on my years and I can read the record of who I was, and how I thought during those times. I wish I could read my dad’s thoughts from years gone by. Maybe someday, Jazz might want to read mine.

These thoughts ran through my mind last night as I stood in the kitchen, cutting up broccoli for supper. I heard a song playing that took my back to my university days. Suddenly I remembered sitting in a particular theatre class. I remembered waking up in my dad’s house. I remembered the way I dressed myself. And I remembered a certain red head who occupied my thoughts.

For the first time in my life, I wanted to wake up and spend a day walking through my past.

And then another thought struck me – that somewhere out there in the aether, is a future me, reminiscing about who I am, right here, right now, in this time, standing in my kitchen cutting broccoli. And Jazzy is out with her friends. And Aubree is crashing on my couch. And news about my next gig has yet to arrive. And two days from now, a table read for Moment in Between at the Black Swan on Danforth is scheduled, and a room full of actors, friends, and creative types are committed to be there. And life is challenging right now.

But in the end, the problems will be forgotten, and the good things will live on in memory.

Drama On the Balcony

Last time I sat on my balcony, I heard a rustling from behind my chair. When I turned and looked, and saw what it was, I called Jazzy over. She was reluctant, but I persisted.

“Jazzy! Come quickly! Hurry!”

She ran over. “What!?”

“Kitty cat.”

“Where?”

“Behind my chair. Come closer.”

So she did. Nice and close.

“AHHHHHH!!!”

She ran back into the house, slammed the door to her room, and stared at it from behind her window. Terrified.

The racoon seemed about as scared as she was. Wide-eyed, and completely surprised to see us. One hellova a thing to wake up to, I imagine – the sight of two perfect strangers with unknown intentions.

So there we were, me, Jazzy, and the racoon. I wasn’t keen on taking on roommates, and I kind of like using my balcony without feeling like I have to ask permission. So the animal had to go – it had to be made to feel very very unwelcome.

“Don’t kill it dad!”

I looked at Jazz somewhat stunned. Kill a racoon? Me? What kind of a dad did she take me for? I’m a big wuss when it comes to being mean. If only the racoon was a computer glitch of some sort – then I could get downright snarly at it. But this creature was furry, and had really big sad eyes.

I rattled some furniture about and the racoon just looked at me, with its head kind of tilted sideways.

“Leave!” I said it with an exclamation mark.

The racoon continued looking at me.

“Go!” Another exclamation mark.

I moved the chair the racoon was hiding behind.

“What are you doing! Stop it dad!”

The racoon made a bee-line for my bbq. Not the bbq! Dammit! I wanted to cook burgers later! I suddenly was reminded of my battle with a pair of pigeons back in Regina. At least this animal was silent.

I resolved to leave the racoon with no shelter, pulling the bbq to the middle of my balcony, slamming the door shut, and watching the creature from behind my window. Jazzy continued to watch from behind hers. Big stare off. With a racoon.

It was still there 20 minutes later. My tummy grumbled. Burgers needed to be cooked. And I wondered what racoon would taste like.

“Dad!”

At first I wondered if I thunk the thought out loud, and my daughter was about to scold me. But then I saw it too.

The racoon was moving. Looking for a way out. It crawled down the side of the house and it was gone. It was really gone.

And then I cooked burgers.

Into the Machine

Shooting in Hamilton

Sorry for the time between postings, I’ve been in movie jail.

Fourteen hour days, plus travel time to and from locations over 70 Kms out of town. It’s a bit like working on a submarine where your only human contact for days on end is your fellow crew. They feed you all day long, and all day long they keep you on your toes.

The filmmaking machine moves at a slow, steady, and relentless pace. We all feed it with our sweat, and expertise, and well-honed skills. Sometimes it feels like running a marathon in slow motion, with no opportunity to stop. Ever. The machine demands your constant attention and forgives no oversight.

There’s no other job like it in the world, and it feels great to be getting out of the house, and spending a hellova lot less time with myself. I’m enjoying the opportunity and I finally feel like I’m a more tangible part of the industry out here.

I’m enjoying the people I work with. I’m learning a lot while at the same time, practicing the lessons learned over the course of my career. I really feel like I’m contributing to something, while at the same time, taking from the machine, the things I need to climb the ladder, so that I could contribute even more, while taking even more.

I’ve had the opportunity to work with Torrey DeVitto. We developed a nice rapport over the course of this latest production. She kept asking me questions about Jazzy, and when I told her that Jazz is a voracious reader – that Pretty Little Liars is one of the books she’s read before – Torrey asked if she could do something special for her. The result is below.

Walking Off Epiphanies

Shoulder aches today. Old football injury.

It’s kind of neat to say that, since I was never very ‘jockish’ but I still have the battle scars to prove I once occupied a stall in a locker room in high school.

My injury was aggravated by leaning on my elbow while watching Netflix on my laptop in bed last night. For what it’s worth, I was leaning on my elbow in a very manly way.

Jazz had friends over last night and she wanted to take over the living room. For some reason, having her dad jawing away at the party was not something she looked upon with undiluted pleasure. So off to my room I went.

Today offers many possibilities, and I remain undecided. The sun is out and the city is rather quiet. I have to run some errands later, and I’m thinking a walk would be a great way to accomplish them.

I have things on my mind that I’d like to work through. Can’t quite seem to wrap my mind around any conclusions though. Sometimes thoughts just need time to burst into an epiphany. They’re best left alone until their time comes.

Still, it’s good to check in on their growth from time to time, and walks are a great means by which to check in.

Zen and the Art of Scheduling

Jazzy has a late start at school this morning, so that gave us time to sit together on the balcony. She read a book and I surfed the web. We both drank coffee.

There’s a list I found on Facebook last week – Zen Things to Do – or something like that. I took to memorizing the items on the list. I have Jazzy doing the same thing.

1. Do one thing at a time. 2. Do it slowly and deliberately. 3. Do it completely. 4. Do less. 5. Put space between things. 6. Schedule time for things. 7. Develop routines. 8. Make time for sitting.

I wrote those from memory. There’s more, but I haven’t gotten to them yet. This isn’t a high school drama class. It’s not enough to regurgitate a list – it must be understood.

So I’m setting out to understand the list I’m setting out to memorize. Before I start a task, I run through the list. When I’m going for a walk, I’m running through the list. When I’m completing a task, I’m running through the list.

I haven’t quite gotten it down into my bones yet. It hasn’t quite penetrated my way of being. It seems accomplishing Zen might take a little longer than expected.

I’ve scheduled completion for Friday at 3:30pm. After that I’ll spend some time on the weekend learning quantum physics.

Gigabytes of Past Memories

I signed a deal this week to distribute InJustice, Prairie Gardens, 100 Saskatchewan Stories, and Thunder Breeding Hills through McIntyre Media Inc. They specialize in putting documentary programming in schools. It’s possible the deal may be lucrative, but I’m not upgrading to gourmet ketchup anytime soon.

What most moved me about making that deal, is that it forced me to go nosing through old hard drives, looking for the master files, and their accompanying documents to those projects. Along the way were gigabytes of artifacts from my 17 year career – projects I pitched once upon a time, then slowly forgot about, or correspondence with people I hadn’t seen in many years, or spaces between the memories of the happenings in my life from so long ago.

I stumbled upon a video I made of Jazzy when she was three years old. Choked me up. I saw old business plans I wrote over the course of many months. I saw evidence of a side of me, I’ve long forgotten, and have since walked away from.

I remembered many of the things I forgot about.

And it made me kind of sad. And it made me wonder why.

Maybe I’m reminded of the passage of time. The past is a great place to learn from, but it’s no place to visit for any extended period of time. I do miss some of the people though.

I also remember a party I had – a celebratory party. My closest friends and family joined PJ and I in our first apartment together on Rochdale Blvd in Regina. I was just accepted into the Director’s Guild of Canada. I was young and my whole career was ahead of me – and being accepted into the Guild was a HUGE milestone.

As I got busy with those other projects I referenced earlier, I got away from working on film sets. I let my membership lapse. Then my priorities changed. And now I’m here in Toronto.

Single dad on the cusp of some great new thing in a brand new city. People are reading my scripts and they’re saying great things about ’em. I can feel how close I am to breaking through.

In the meantime, there’s another party to plan. I rejoined the Directors Guild on Friday, and I’m having people over to celebrate.

Cabin in the Woods

Not only was Cabin in the Woods a brilliant take on the horror genre by Joss Whedon, but it was also how I spent Monday night.

Jon and Fiona invited me up to their family’s cabin for the night, so I took ’em up on it. I’m still getting used to how diverse Southern Ontario is compared to Saskatchewan. Their cabin is two hours north of Toronto, set on the shore of Muskoka Lake, and well into the fringe of the Canadian Shield. It’s a completely different world from Toronto. Drive two hours in any direction from Regina, and you’re still not anywhere that looks any different from where you just left. The other thing striking about our trip north, was how much snow was there. It looked like December, but felt like April (temperature wise). Kind of the best of both months.

There were five of us altogether. I invited Tonia, and Jon & Fiona brought their friend Donald. We couldn’t explore very much because the snow was knee deep and completely wet, so we cooped ourselves up, got drunk, and played board games all night. By 1am, the temperature had dropped significantly, and I wound up wearing four layers as I crawled into my sleeping bag. Musta been -7 celsius. I slept well, but my toes didn’t.

Today is Jazzy’s 15th birthday. Lisa brought over a vegan cake earlier (we’re both fasting for lent) and I surprised Jazz with it. We didn’t have candles, so I was forced to improvise.

I also got her a kitten – which hasn’t been born yet, but I got one. Jazz was thrilled, and I am officially her most favourite dad ever.

Afterwards, Jazz wanted to show her friend Anika, Cabin in the Woods, so we turned off the lights, sat on the couch and took it in.

Kind of a perfect way to end this article.

The Banana Solution

Jazz and I had ‘the talk’ on Saturday.

Something had to be done about all those bananas on the counter. They just kept sitting there, and then turning brown.

I suppose we could have eaten them, but they were just a little bit too brown for my liking. I might put one in my mouth and not like the taste – or worse, wind up with one of those mushy squish spots that bananas are prone to be known for.

If I waited one more day, the bananas would certainly be too brown to eat, and then my decision to NOT eat them, would be much simpler to make.

Something about this theory rang nonsensical however. Couldn’t put my finger on it, so I sat Jazz down for a discussion.

In the past, she had shown an interest in combining ingredients together into a pan, and then baking ’em up in the oven. The resulting product was always something delicious we could cut up an put in our mouths – and then swallow.

To this end, she sent me out to the grocery store to buy nuts, brown sugar, and flour. Mere hours later, she made the brown bananas disappear, and produced something rather loafy and bananaish tasting.

I clearly am excelling at this whole fatherhood thing.

$6.95 Worth of Musing

I’m recording my current contemplation upon a sunny disposition under the influence of a collision of random circumstance, three pints of Guinness, and a general good feeling about my address in the way of things that’ve all come and gone and come again so soon.

Spring is busting out from beneath a pack of snow, Jazzy and I are headed off to the Red Lounge for a father/daughter date, and I am feeling praise for the work I’m doing for clients, and self, and futures yet unknown.

I love the city I live in. Finally starting to feel like I actually belong here, and sortaly starting to glimpse at a future that seems brightly mighty in scope. There remains yet a phone to start working, and a shoot to start triggering, and a logistic that has yet to be sewn.

No big whoop at this moment in time. Happy vibrations of memories and revelries, and general strong sense of esteems of myself being all smiley with myself in the mirror.

The headspace, it ebbs and flows, and goes off in all powerful directions. Been a long time since I expressed myself this way, but always it lives, just beyond access, where more pressing matters materialize.

It’s a phase I’ll enjoy for a spell. A spell I’ll wander by. A passing to take on this journey I make, between broken thoughts and happy places more frequently travelled.

Life is for living, and too often we’re living for some other time, in some other place, in some space where we all go for a routine to make up of our selves. It’s not like I don’t live there, all along with the rest of you poor bastards – I’m just taking my leave for an few days or two.

In twelve minutes I’ll be walking out the front door of this cozy Irish pub, three blocks from home. My pint will be empty and my heart will be full. Three selections of seafood baked and rolled and sorted to make our fast full.

(the later cost $6.95 at Loblaw’s).

Fast Times to Cult Status

Jazzy decided to join me in my annual fast. No meat or dairy for 40 days. So far so good. It’s been three days and only feels like a week!

We’ve been eating a lot of waffles.

My week has been dominated by my effort to promote Another One Comes. I’ve been working Facebook, Twitter, and my phone, to reach out to people and get them to watch the video. In the midst of all this, I was struck with the idea of shooting another video – one with a CFL theme – to use as a tool to promote the series.

The Roughrider brand attained cult status at an event last week (along with Red Bull, GoPro, and four others). Gotta be a way to parlay some of that cult status into my series.

It’s not just about cult status mind you. I wrote the pilot to a TV series set in the CFL four years ago, and by reviving two of those characters and giving them life in this new undertaking, I feel like I’m breathing new life into them. More than repurposing these characters, I’m actually going to see them on the screen in a few weeks.

There do remain some complicated logistics to figure out. We shoot March 22 and only two of the six roles are cast. There are rights to clear and locations to secure. And the clock is ticking.

I’ve had a meeting with the Toronto Argonauts, and exchanged emails and phone calls with the CFL and Saskatchewan Roughriders. I don’t know when my answers will come, but as I prepare for this shoot, I have to keep a few contingencies up my sleeve.

In the meantime, the first four episodes are going to be read at the Toronto Cold Read Series tomorrow. I won the ‘Writer’s Challenge’ last week – they pulled my name out of a hat, gave me three artifacts, and told me to come back with a play.

Instead of a play, I wrote two new episodes for the web series – including the one I’ll be shooting in two weeks. It’ll be a great way to hear the work before it goes to camera. It’s also incredibly satisfying to share the work with that community. They all seem to be fans.

When my thoughts are tied up with AOC (Another One Comes), I have managed to involve myself in other endeavours. I had a meeting this week with CBC. I finished a rewrite on the first two acts of Room 31. I landed a producing gig for a TV commercial, and I also was hired by Kunle to shoot a three-minute documentary.

I’m going to spend the morning working on Act three before seeing what else the day has to offer. Lots going on.

Keeps my mind off my stomach.