Wanting to NOT Want to Understand How it All Makes Sense

There is no greater affliction than desire, no greater curse than discontent, no greater misfortune than wanting something for oneself. Therefore he who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.

When the Tao is present the horses haul manure. When the Tao is absent war horses are bred outside the city.

~Lao Tsu~
Tao Te Ching

I continue to struggle between wanting things and people for myself, and NOT wanting things and people for myself.  It seems I’m happiest when I’m right on the cusp – that razor thin nook between ‘wanting’ and ‘not wanting’, ‘being’ and ‘thinking’.

‘Trust’ is the important factor here.  I’m not sitting on my ass, doing nothing and waiting for all the world’s treasures to drop in my lap.  I am a writer, so I write.  I am a filmmaker, so I create.  I put myself out there, with the fruits of my labour, and make myself open to wherever the river may flow.  Good things will come to me.

That’s me at my best.  I’ve been there.  Touched that place from time to time – but living there continues to be a struggle.

I wrote about manifesting a few weeks ago.  Always been cool to the idea, but I thought I’d give it a try.  I closed my eyes and I set about manifesting someone into my life.

The focus narrows.  The blinders go up.  The future transcends the present.  And I wind up so fucking discombobulated and off balance that I almost forget what it’s like to be open to the world.

There may yet be something to the idea of manifestation, but it can’t be something so actively pursued.  Passive reception perhaps?  What does that even look like?

I choose to look inwards.  Work on myself.  I can manifest myself to be just a little bit better tomorrow than I am today.  Perhaps then, once I’m so super-duper manifested right up, the girl will drop in my lap.

Problem is, I have to NOT want the girl in order to make it all happen.  Gonna need some time with this concept.  Makes perfect sense as long as I don’t try to understand what it all means.

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