Booba

January 6th today.  I haven’t felt a great inclination to blog these past few days.  More than anything, I’ve been into being home, here in Regina, and soaking up the life being lived around me.

By now it’s no big secret that PJ, Jazzy and the baby have moved into my mom’s basement.  She’s going to finish her PhD from Regina where she can get a little more help with the baby.  I’m staying in my old room at mom’s place in the meantime.  I have mixed feelings about that.  We’re all under the same roof for the first time in years.  I miss waking up to my family.  I really do.  Don’t really miss being married.

In a week I leave for Toronto.  I’ll leave this temporary bubble time warp of the life I used to kind of have.  Other than the words I’ve put down here in this space, I’ve made a conscious effort to NOT put too much thought into what it all means to me.  I’m enjoying the moment.  It’s fleeting.  It will be different next time I return.

Jazzy and I are as close as ever.  We went over to Jason’s the other night and riffed off each other.  We’re hilarious together.  Afterwards, on the drive home, she asked if it would be alright if we just drove around the city for awhile.  No place to go.  Just her and me and hands falling off the clock.  We can communicate entire thoughts with just a simple shared look.  We cuddle on the couch at night and watch movies.  We live half a country apart and it means the world to me that we remain so connected.

PJ and I are also as close as ever too – had our first fight the other day.  I say that with a smile.  Though the romantic feelings have faded, we remain close friends.  We hang out.  We talk.  We can be ourselves around each other.  We’re also a little bit different from the good ‘ol days.  We’re better, more developed human being persons.  It’s a nice place to be.

The baby has been a bit of a surprise to me.  I always knew he would be in my life.  He’s my daughter’s brother.  Other than that, I was indifferent to the idea of him.  And then I met him in the airport in Vancouver last week.  He wound up on my shoulders.  I feed him.  I amuse him.  I carry him.  I scrunch up my nose and make funny sounds at him.  I sit him in my lap while I edit video.  I look forward to seeing him in the morning.  I already know that I’m really going to miss him when I leave.

Jazzy and I worked on the problem of what I should be called.  I’m uncomfortable with ‘Daddy’ because I’m not his father.  I wouldn’t want Jazzy calling any other father figure in her life ‘Daddy’ because that’s my special name.  Instead, we came up with the word, ‘Booba’.  It doesn’t mean anything.  It’s ours to make of it what we will.

I guess that’s ultimately what I’m taking from this whole experience.  The greatest gift of all has been to travel back in time, be a family again, bask in it, bring it into the present, and make of it what we will.  I’m going back to my life in Toronto.  PJ, Jazzy and the baby will be starting life anew in Regina.  The present holds many unanswered questions.  The future holds much promise and the past brings much wisdom to the road ahead.

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