When I was sick earlier, all I wanted, was to be a big suck and have someone take care of me – bring me hot soup, warm blankets and tell me how much I was loved. Instead I felt how big this city really is, how lonely it can be, and how so very far away I am from those who matter most to me.
I have a phone that’s full of numbers. There’s no one on that list who can bring me hot soup and warm blankets in Toronto when I’m sick. There’s not really anyone on that list who I can go back with – not like how I can with old friends and family back home.
It’s been just over a year, and this is the first time I ever felt lonely in this amazing city. Maybe it’s this time of year. Maybe it’s just that I’m looking in the mirror and I’m seeing someone who is nowhere near where he wanted to be in his career. All that potential, and nothing much to show for it – not financially anyway.
I have a rule about complaining about life in my blog. I don’t do it. Who wants to read that crap? Still, that’s where I’m living these days. Maybe admitting that to myself will be good for the headspace.
You don’t go to Wal-Mart and buy old friendships and loved ones. You need to grow them and nurture them. I am living in the city I choose to be living in. Like many artists, I’m struggling to make a dent in this new landscape. I am my career, and right now my headspace is a reasonable reflection of where I’m at in my career. I believe in my bones that bigger and better things lie in my future. No part of me has given up.
I picked up the phone the other day and called a girl whom I met at a party back in August. We knew each other from Regina. Walked through the same circles, though we’ve never really been ‘friends’. Her number’s been in my phone for five months now. Never called it. Always felt weird to phone someone like that out of the blue. But then, what’s the point of having someone’s number if you’re not going to use it?
She answered and didn’t know who I was at first, but after a minute or so, she remembered. I explained simply that I was calling because I don’t have a lot of people I can call in Toronto. I cringed as the words left my mouth. How lame did that sound? How sad? Turns out she’s kind of in the same boat.
I phoned someone else on a different day, and someone else after that. Turns out I’ve accumulated a whole bunch of Toronto phone numbers that I’ve never used. Friendships aren’t built over night. Neither are careers.
They just need a bit of nurturing to grow.