Naked With All My Ego

I stood naked in the middle of a room full of people again this morning.  I was back, modelling for an art class.  The only awkward thing about it was the fact I already knew someone in the room.  Kevin and I worked together in an edit suite on a couple of my previous projects.  Now he gets to draw my dick (and other parts of me).  Poor bastard.  I’ll be back in two weeks.

I’ve been working on an Arts Board Grant, and I’m still waiting to hear about a couple of other projects with SaskFilm.  I’m walking through life, one foot in the prairies, and the other sniffing around the urban jungles of Toronto.  A strange headspace to be sure, but a good one.

I haven’t felt like myself for quite a while.  Best laid plans fell through over and over again and I couldn’t help but think there was something wrong with me.  I imagined the thoughts thunk by my closest friends and family.  They stopped asking me how things were going because they already knew by my grimace.

It was a time to learn humility.  So much of my ego was wrapped up in being someone important.  I blew gobs of cash on the dream of being the President and CEO of a big company.  I wrapped myself in the glory of being a ‘producer’, someone who makes things happen.  My image of myself was becoming so far removed from the reality of myself, that I was having a hard time reconciling me with myself in the mirror.

It’s really quite simple now.  I will continue to develop and pitch projects.  I will seek out filmmaking jobs with other production companies.  I will pursue writing opportunities with a passion.  I will grow my career and learn from others.  I will meet new people.  I will flow like water down a stream.

I’m back to being myself again.  I am excited and optimistic for my future.

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