Pile of Wonder

I have a document tucked away in the bowels of my laptop’s filing system.  It’s a private journal I use to work through my most intimate thoughts.  I’ve made six entries in three years.  It’s where I go to sort through my most fucked up shit.

I thought about opening that document today instead of this one.  Got a load of confusion on my mind.  I may yet stash these scribblings there, but we’ll see.

As near as I can figure, I’ve got too many things on the go.  Too many ambitions I’m not doing enough to realize.  Too many projects that aren’t being promoted.  Too many pursuits I’m chasing and not catching.  Too much starting and not enough finishing.

I’ve always been terrible at promoting myself and my projects.  I’m pretty good at impressing people, but I don’t do enough to stay in front of things.  Impressions fade.  Time passes.  Regrets bloom.

I should be taking a workmanlike approach to momMe.  Instead, I just send the odd proposal off here and there, and things just taper off.  No peddle to the metal.  No full steam ahead.  No plan of action.

I’m still writing the spec script.  It’s good so far.  Working on this movie set me back as expected, but I simply have to find a way to push it through.  I’ve written three scenes in one week.  Not good enough.  Not good enough for someone who’s highest ambition is to write drama.  When the spec script is done, there’s the feature film script to finish.  Doors are open, but I can’t walk through until I’ve finished something.

Highwaymen has seen two rejections thus far, but I haven’t exhausted all the angles yet.  What’s wrong with taking a day to blast a number of proposals out the door to all of them?

I get lonely sometimes, yet I do very little to put myself out there.  I have some very specific ideas about what kind of girl I want in my life.  I only got serious with one in four years, and she wasn’t really all that available anyway.

I feel a burning need to get to Vancouver, but the timing sucks right now.  The feature film business is getting hot here in Regina and experienced people are needed to keep the machine running.  The money’s good and I don’t have any other paying gigs presenting themselves in my immediate future.

Cash flow issues aside, I know that my ambitions are much larger than the types of gigs I’ve been landing lately.  I look in the mirror and I feel in my bones that I’d much rather be creating my own projects than working on someone else’s.

I am a writer, producer and director.  I need to green light my own show in order to feel truly balanced and that’s a hellova thing to require from the universe in order to be happy.  What to do?

It seems the feature film industry will pay for my lifestyle in the immediate future.  I can’t pursue my ambitions if I can’t pay my rent, so the feature film thing stands as a valid top priority.

If I write every day, my spec script will be complete some day soon.  Taking the same approach to my feature film will render the same result.  Doors will open and that ambition will be realized.  So there it is.  Write every day.  Period.

momMe, Crimes of the Art, Urban Future, Girl Talk, Highwaymen and all my other projects are written up (some with demos attached).  I clearly do not have the time available to market these projects full time.  Given the limited channels available, none of them require a full time effort anyway — just a consistent effort.  So what constitutes a ‘consistent effort’?  One morning per week?  One hour per day?  How about I stick to one hour per day?  I can manage that, and write, AND meet my obligations in the film industry.

Where’s that hour come from?  Facebook, backgammon and TV methinks.  Gonna have to bring an iron will to that commitment, but I can do it.  I’m tired of feeling shitty over my lack of progress in other pursuits.

Speaking of pursuits… women.  I don’t have time to put myself out there.  I’m waaaaay out of balance.  The best parts of myself aren’t really the best parts of myself to give to anyone right now.  I won’t be complete until my career starts doing what I have in mind for it to do.  I suspect once that happens, that other part of my life will take care of itself.

And that about sums up the pile of wonder going through my mind right now.  Think I’ll leave it here.  It’s who I am right now.

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