I was collecting my things together to move port side. Sun was too bright starboard. Smiled at an older couple as I walked passed and explained what I was doing. They were shocked. “You’re leaving the sun?”
At this time of year, folks in these parts don’t see the sun much. Mild grey rainy days are the norm. People go weeks without direct sunlight sometimes.
Back home, we get sun all the time. Most sunshine year-round in all of North America in fact. It’ll be -33 with a wind chill, and exposed skin will freeze in 30 seconds, but it’ll be sunny.
I’m writing from aboard a ferry on the Pacific Ocean, somewhere between Nanaimo and Horseshoe Bay. Spent the night on the Island hanging out with Jocelyn. She’s a filmmaker friend who’s going through a divorce right now. Her husband dropped in while I was visiting ‘to pick up a backpack for his trip’. Really, he just wanted to berate her. Felt she should be conducting herself a certain way. Felt she should be saying certain words. Felt she should actually want to feel a certain way.
I’ve never spoken these types of words out loud to anyone, but I’ve certainly thought them. I want Court to say certain words, feel a certain way, and do certain things. The light bulb kinda went off for me. I already know I have no right to control any of Court’s actions. I don’t even have those expectations, but I suppose I do harbour a certain fantasy that things will work out to my liking. Heart strings are hard to quiet.
Court has a lot of flaws, just as I do. I think she would be better off doing and saying things differently because as she says herself, a lot of things in her life are messed up. Still, if I don’t like it, that’s my problem, not hers.
I have to ‘pick up my shirt’ from her place sometime. It’s my football jersey from high school. Sentimental. I’ve been putting it off. I don’t want to say things that will make her cry after I leave. I don’t want her to say things that will open closed wounds in me. I suppose if I’m still confused about outcomes, I should just stay away.
These thoughts swam through my mind last night as I watched Jocelyn with her ex. Didn’t bring it up though. Didn’t feel a need to. I suppose that’s progress too.
We otherwise had a wonderful evening together.