Epic Mountain Drive

I closed my eyes for the scary parts.

That’s how I described my drive through the mountains to Vancouver in the middle of winter.  Adding to the drama was my driver’s side wiper blade deciding to phone in its performance for the evening.  It only got really scary when I was passing a semi (or being passed by one) at 100 km/h.  At times I was using my peripheral vision to guess where the lane markers were, because I had so much snow, slush, and water washing up on my windshield, it was nearly impossible to see forward.

It was like a drama in miniature.

In the beginning it’s night and you’re following a semi on a three lane highway.  It’s kicking up all kinds of shit onto your wind shield.  This is bad.

You pilot your car into the seldom used third lane to put some distance between you and the semi.  This is good.

However, the trade-off is that you’re now driving on packed snow instead of slushy pavement.  No traction.  This is bad.

The way forward is clear.  You begin to accelerate passed the semi.  This is good.

At about the point you reach the semi-tractor’s back tires, the hurricane of snow, slush, sleet and water being kicked up on your windshield blinds you.  This is bad.

Headlights from on-coming traffic zap what’s left of your ambient vision and you cling to what appears to be a yellow line on the meridian for guidance.  One small splotch of fading yellow line is the only thing keeping you on the road.  This is worse.

In the midst of this shit storm, the yellow line begins to bend away from you to the left.  Clearly you’ve now entered a turn, and late at that.  You now must ease your car back into the turn without upsetting the delicate balance that’s keeping you from sliding sideways into the semi (which you cannot see, but certainly feel) beside you.  Accelerating through this turn is not an option, and you must now live inside the shit storm for a few uncomfortable moments longer.  You feel your scrotum retreat, as if planning its escape from impending doom by using the rest of your body as a cushion.  This is worser.  (More worsier?)

After an eternity, the yellow line straightens.  You put your foot to the floor and within a couple of seconds, clear the shit storm.  The world opens up.  You can see again.  Your scrotum sheepishly reappears.  This is good.

Another semi looms in the distance.

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