For Immediate Release
ROUSING SPEECH FUELS HIGHWAYMEN
October 29, 2010 (Yellowhead, Sk) After not even showing up for their previous game, Yellowhead Highwaymen owner/coach, Captain Jarrett Rusnak concluded that a lack of intensity has been the root cause of his team’s troubles. “I was hanging out with some guys at Joe’s Condoms, Vacuum Cleaners and Pizza last week and was shocked, shocked I tell you, to learn how much football wisdom our collective fan base possesses,” began Rusnak. “I can’t believe we’ve been here three years and never once bothered to consult our fans on the most important football decisions affecting this team.”
“We need to fire the coach,” said Merv Flerman, a plumber and unnoted football expert. “That’ll teach the players to stop being so dumb!”
“I think we should platoon our running backs with someone who’s good,” said Edward Verman, a pan handler and one time high school football player.
Mo Charles, a gas stationed attendant, mentioned that the team should keep its current coaching staff, except try harder to get wins. “And also they should bring back the 1960s.”
After firing, then rehiring himself, buying a better running back at Wal-Mart, dropping acid then having tons of unprotected sex with a bunch of hippy chicks, Rusnak entered the locker room and roused his players with a speech crafted by the finest wordsmyths discount coupons at KFC could ever buy.
“Life is a game of inches,” Rusnak began. “And so is my big fat Romanian cock! Win the game or you’ll feel me slapping you across the jaw with it!”
The Highwaymen remain 18 points up on The Mighty Drama Quins. The team also announced that proceeds from Sunday’s 50/50 draw will benefit literacy and grammar programs across the province.