The Unauthorized Bio of Socksey

It is clear that ‘Socksey’ did not exist before 1991, at least not THIS Socksey.  There are records however dating back to 1692 of a woman who simply vanished into thin air during the Salem witch trials.

Socksey Walcott arrived to the tiny Puritan village of Salem, Massachusetts in 1691 and soon after introduced the population to something known as cunnilingus.  In no time, the village was taken up in some sort of craze.  Young women took to dancing in the forest naked and men suddenly found themselves smiling all the time, NOT thinking about their daily chores.

Socksey Walcott was called before the court, and charged with witchcraft, setting off a spree of accusations and mayhem.  Upon seeing the hangman’s noose, she realized her welcome was about worn out.  Pulling out the doubling cube, she made a deal with the dice gods and vanished into thin air.

She awoke in a place somewhat resembling a tacky 1970s porn set, with fake red leather walls, and a large velvet Elvis covering the ceiling.  Glen Beck was eating babies and some guy named Vic was standing in front of the bathroom mirror in his underwear singing show tunes while waxing his belly.  “What am I doing here?” cried Socksey.  “I made a deal with the dice gods!”

“Those were FIBS dice gods,” said Vic.  “We’re stuck here for eternity baby!”

Glen Beck shot Socksey a sympathetic look and whispered, “I’ve only been here two weeks and look at me now.  I used to be a nice guy.”

Suddenly a monkey swept in, grabbed Socksey by the hand, and jumped out the 19th story window.  “You’re going to kill us!” screamed Socksey.

“I’m a monkey,” said the monkey, “I don’t speak english.”

Socksey and the monkey hit the ground so hard, they landed smack in the middle of 1991.  She’s been incognito ever since.

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