Meandering Being of Will

Cloudy day.  Kinda grey.

Swapped texts with a beautiful person this morning.  Saskatchewan routed the BC Lions last night, 37 – 13.  Hanging out and eating brats with the Romanian Syndicate was also great.  Lins, her brother and her brother’s two friends also tagged along.  It was a good night.

I have logistics on the brain today.  There are family functions all weekend and I have to move Jazz around.  I have office stuff that may or may not need to get done today.  I also have supper plans later that, while down on the food chain, remain something I want to do.

I feel an overwhelming desire to put my nose down and just float along, but I can’t do that.  I look back on the last three years of my life and I feel like my greatest accomplishment has been finding a sense of self awareness.  I’ve been taking charge of my place amidst all the noise.  I’ve noticed things beginning to happen for me.  And so, floating along, blissfully ignorant of what’s going on around me isn’t something I want to do.

Still, I feel like I lived most my life that way, just floating along.  The boys and I got talking last night.  Rich is getting married in October and most of us have been a part of each others’ weddings over the past 14 years.  As old stories of old events got told, I couldn’t help but think deep down how distant that past feels.  It’s like I wasn’t even a participant, even though I was there.

I thought back to my wedding day.  I don’t remember having any force of will over anything, even though PJ and I planned it all ourselves.  We did a lot of really cool things that you’ll never see at anyone’s wedding, and we’re both pretty proud of that.  Yet… that day came and went, 10 years came and went, my past came and went… and I barely recognize the person I remember being back in those days.

Being.  Floating.  Deciding.  Navigating.  Participating.  Remembering.  It’s a fine line between all those things.

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