I’m at war with myself. I make decisions that are spurred on by my dick. I like to think of myself as being a little more high minded, but clearly that’s not always the case. All I need is a little sniff, and I’ll pursue that vagina over mountains and across oceans until I track it down. Almost nothing will overcome that single mindedness.
Where matters of the heart are concerned, I am far less determined. I dove in head first twice in my life. Once I got married, and once I emerged broken and hollow. Let’s call it a draw.
I’d rather fall in love than get laid, but getting laid is so much easier. Having said that, I never really pursued anyone with that same single mindedness. I don’t have ‘relationships’ with women. We’re either friends or fuck buddies (or one night stands).
The war within is taking casualties. I feel myself growing thinner and hollower. I give up pieces of myself to every woman I share my bed with, and I take nothing in return. I’m not growing from these experiences. I’m wilting.
Starting today, I’m drawing a line in the sand. Only real things are allowed passed that line. It’s going to take some time, but I’ll find my balance again. I’ll get back to being a me that’s worth giving to someone.