Sad Zamboni Driver

There is no such thing as an unhappy Zamboni Driver reference.  Just pronouncing the word forces one to smile due to the ‘i’ at the end of the word (it’s the same with the word ‘boobies’ by the way).  I challenge someone to invoke the phrase ‘Zamboni Driver’ and make it sad.  I’ll even give it  a shot….

The really sad Zamboni Driver, in a fit of suicidal depression, piloted his Zamboni out the rink after the 2nd intermission and headed for the highway.  The second Zamboni Driver gave chase.  Drinking heavily from a bottle of Jack Daniels, the first Zamboni Driver stepped on the gas, and laid down a thin layer of ice.  The second Zamboni Driver skidded out of control and ran over a pack of baby seals.  His ‘Peter’s Sewer Service Sign’ flew off upon impact and beheaded a sweet old lady who was feeding bread crumbs to the pigeons.  The pigeons then promptly set about shitting all over the sweet old lady’s corpse.

The first Zamboni Driver turned the corner and headed down a small residential side street.  Suddenly a large large group of Kindergarden children crossed the street in front of him.  The Jack Daniels fueled, bleary eyed first Zamboni Driver didn’t see them, and his machine barrelled towards them at 15 km/h.  The Kindergarden children stopped in the middle of the street and instinctually began to wave at the Zamboni Driver playfully, as they had done so many times before, in so many hockey rinks.  The Zamboni hurled towards them.  The children waved.  Closer and closer it came.  Until…. the second Zamboni Driver came out of nowhere, leaped aboard the first Zamboni and wrestled for control.  The Zamboni weaved back and forth.  The children waved.  The Zamboni accelerated.  The children smiled back innocently.  The Zamboni loomed closer.  The children started running towards it in excited glee.  The second Zamboni Driver saw what was happening and suddenly at the last minute turned the wheel.  The Zamboni dashed wildly to the right and crashed into a telephone pole.  Both Zamboni drivers died.  The children were traumatized and back at the rink, the game went into overtime and no one was around to clean the ice.  The home team lost.

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