For Immediate Release
SIXTH SENSE PISS OFF HIGHWAYMEN
February 13, 2010 (Yellowhead, SK) After losing half its coaching staff, and several players to The Sixth Sense this off season, The Yellowhead Highwaymen have turned to some unorthodox procedures to address vacancies throughout their organization.
“We have developed advanced human cloning techniques to fill the holes on our roster and within our coaching staff,” began Captain Jarrett Rusnak, Owner/Coach of the Highwaymen, “We’re happy to report that all the clones can count to 13, and have been genetically programmed to work for the league minimum.”
The last two weeks have not been kind to the Highwaymen. The Sixth Sense plundered Yellowhead’s roster and coaching staff in the hopes of not sucking in 2010 as bad as they did in 2009. “They pretty much basked in a pool of ball licking hind tittiness,” said Rusnak, “So I don’t blame them for looking towards an highly respected organization such as ours to rebuild their franchise.”
The new clones were grown in petri dishes from samples of urine left over at last year’s successful “Pee For Charity” fundraising event. The actual cloning process itself was developed in house by Highwaymen trainer, Gluko Von Ivanberg. “It really was a stroke of luck,” said Von Ivanberg, “I was looking for a way to preserve my coffee creamer and I discovered human cloning instead.”
The clones will fill the Offensive Coordinator, Quarterbacks, and Special Teams positions on the coaching staff, as well as play Defensive End. The Highwaymen have also announced the dismissal of their entire scouting department and have instead fitted the visiting team’s locker room with specially modified urinals.