They say you’re not truly free, until you’re free to walk away. I was thinking about that phrase last night while laying in bed. You could say I was struck by an epiphany.
I am scared of gaining something in my life that would be devastating to lose. That something for me is usually a relationship. Despite wearing my heart on my sleeve, I tend not to let people get too close to me. I don’t have a lot of really close friendships and I’ve been (mostly) single since PJ and I ended our marriage. There have been women in the picture since then, but nothing too serious ever came to fruition. Until recently, my heart was always up in the stands, watching the game from the nose bleed section (it’s a well known fact that hearts like nose bleeds).
I’m not depressed. This ain’t no self pitying wordsmithing exercise. I can make most people laugh and think and talk for hours over a drink while hands fall off the clock. I’m surrounded by people whenever I want them around. But still… it gets a bit lonely at times.
You’re not free, until you’re free to walk away.
Like everyone else in the world, I’ve lost things in my life. I’ve had relationships and friendships go awry. I’ve had life changing events come and go. I’ve been betrayed. And with all those things, my heart got broken. So maybe that’s why I’m a bit hardened to new things and people in my life.
I don’t know. They also say you can care about something, without developing an attachment to it. You can be a human being without being scarred by the shitty things life can do to you. You can walk through life feeling free to smell the flowers along the way, without feeling the need to pick them.
Maybe that’s me too. Maybe it’s not baggage that weighs me down, preventing me from forming attachments. Maybe it’s wisdom that moves me forward, giving me the appreciation to move beyond such sticky things.