I’m sitting on the couch in Atlantis with Jazz. She’s drinking hot chocolate and I’m having the usual dark roast and an apple bran muffin. I still don’t know where bran comes from. The city is buried in snow and driving is a bit of a challenge, but it’s nothing us Regina folk can’t handle. Life goes on, on this Christmas eve.
I have Courtney on my mind. I don’t like being this vulnerable to anyone. I’m used to my walls, and I feel naked without my armor. I feel the highs and lows of our friendship profoundly. I’m not sure if this is what it means to drink fully from life’s cup, or if I’m just a fool who’s blowing in the wind. Every bone in my body tells me I’m imbalanced. I feel powerless and I’m torn between retreating from it, and pursuing it further.
I have been getting on with the rest of my life. My career is going better than ever. I went to a movie with Cris and Jazzy on Monday. I hung out with Nicole on Tuesday. I spent Saturday with my students and I’m spending every other spare moment with Jazzy and family. The farm was great and I also found time to check in with myself.
Court is somewhere away from me dealing with the wreckage of her past. I have to think that the imbalance and powerlessness I feel can only pale in comparison to her own. I have hitched my wagon to this beautiful troubled woman. She never asked me to do that. She’s made no promises to me. She hasn’t told me to leave either. I struggle greatly to not take a self centred view of the big picture. I struggle to rationalize the wisdom of my thinking.
When should self preservation trump winning the heart of a beautiful soul? If I stay on this path and lose, I’ll be a flaming pathetic wreckage. If I win, I’ll be the happiest, luckiest most richly blessed man in the world.