Crossroads

I’m sitting on the couch in Atlantis with Jazz.  She’s drinking hot chocolate and I’m having the usual dark roast and an apple bran muffin.  I still don’t know where bran comes from.  The city is buried in snow and driving is a bit of a challenge, but it’s nothing us Regina folk can’t handle.  Life goes on, on this Christmas eve.

I have Courtney on my mind.  I don’t like being this vulnerable to anyone.  I’m used to my walls, and I feel naked without my armor.  I feel the highs and lows of our friendship profoundly.  I’m not sure if this is what it means to drink fully from life’s cup, or if I’m just a fool who’s blowing in the wind.  Every bone in my body tells me I’m imbalanced.  I feel powerless and I’m torn between retreating from it, and pursuing it further.

I have been getting on with the rest of my life.  My career is going better than ever.  I went to a movie with Cris and Jazzy on Monday.  I hung out with Nicole on Tuesday.  I spent Saturday with my students and I’m spending every other spare moment with Jazzy and family.  The farm was great and I also found time to check in with myself.

Court is somewhere away from me dealing with the wreckage of her past.  I have to think that the imbalance and powerlessness I feel can only pale in comparison to her own.  I have hitched my wagon to this beautiful troubled woman.  She never asked me to do that.  She’s made no promises to me.  She hasn’t told me to leave either.  I struggle greatly to not take a self centred view of the big picture.  I struggle to rationalize the wisdom of my thinking.

When should self preservation trump winning the heart of a beautiful soul?  If I stay on this path and lose, I’ll be a flaming pathetic wreckage.  If I win, I’ll be the happiest, luckiest most richly blessed man in the world.