The Psychology of 1-Ply Toilet Paper

Somebody really ought to do a study on the merits of 1-ply toilet paper.  This completely flawed substance is a staple in every bathroom of most public institutions (such as the University of Regina).  I suspect these institutions believe they are saving money by buying this stuff, but is that really the case?

1-ply toilet paper requires the user to unravel arm-lengths of the stuff just so he or she won’t wind up with a mess on his or her hands.  I hypothesize that as a result, each roll is used up more quickly than what would be the case with its 2-ply sibling.

Economics aside, there is a case to be made for the whole psychology of using 1-ply toilet paper.  I know women who actually carry their own personal toilet paper around with them, because the trauma associated with 1-ply is just too much to take.  As ‘Vince’, the TV salesmen guy says in one of his commercials, “Life is short, you don’t want to cry.”  He was talking about chopping onions, but its the same thing with toilet paper.

I have 3-ply toilet paper at home.  Perhaps it’s my imagination, but I actually hear angel song every time I wipe my ass.  I have images of those dancing pillows you see on TV running through my mind.  I actually look forward to the experience.

Public institutions really ought to rethink the whole 1-ply toilet paper thing.  Since taking a dump is not an option, we should… no, MUST be doing everything we can to make the most of the experience.  Think about it, maybe there’d be less violent crime if people just had a better experience taking a dump… a purge… not just of their own human waste, but also in taking a quiet moment to shed their baggage whilst dumping.  The quiet solitude a of public bathroom stall could be a kind of therapy, a retreat from a busy day, a time to meditate rather than an inconvenient and thoroughly unpleasant obligation.

Purging is good for the soul.

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