Stirring Halftime Speech Does Shit All

Media Release

For Immediate Release

STIRRING HALFTIME SPEECH DOES SHIT ALL

October 6, 2009 (Yellowhead, SK) The rousing half time speech delivered by Yellowhead Highwaymen owner/coach, Captain Jarrett Rusnak, failed to deliver the required ummph to defeat all teams in the CFLFFL by the end of the 4th quarter in last week’s game.  “I don’t understand,” began Rusnak, “I learned the speech Al Pacino did in ‘Any Given Sunday’ and that team went on to win the championship.  Our guys came out and took a big fat dump on the field instead.”

When prompted for comment, Tom Brady’s Unwashed Jock Strap from Super Bowl XLII responded, “I didn’t have a very good game.  I wasn’t making the throws I usually make.  I felt like my timing was off.  I felt like maybe we should have had a practice or two this week.”

Other players who commented off the record indicated that the team did indeed take the practice field, but Rusnak simply paced around holding a piece of paper in his hand, mumbling to himself, and pausing for dramatic moments.  Apparently that’s how he memorizes speeches.  The rest of the team merely sat around playing backgammon, cribbage, or engaged in conversations related to Taoism, Plato, and boobs.  By all accounts, it was a pretty good week of ‘practice’, even though no actual ‘plays’ were run.

“We’ll get back to our old routines this week,” said Rusnak.  “As long as there’s still teams behind us in the standings, we’ll keep experimenting, and I won’t have to fire myself.”

The Highwaymen currently sit 7th in league standings, 12 points out of first place.

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